5.17.13

I don't know about you all (or whoever could possibly be reading this) but if you read my  previous blogs you know a few things.
     1) I have a tendency to complain
     2) I love my cat
    
 And if you've been reading this blog you know that I have this really, really great friend.  Unfortunately, my time with this friend of mine is extremely limited between spending time with his girlfriend and this other friend of his who throws me deadly stares when I get near.  Yeah...
    So, after living a year of misery the year is coming to a close quickly.  I can already tell you what I truly want.  Friends.  Good friends, close friends.  I have maybe two friends that I can truly say I trust completely. 
   I am always told that finding good friends takes time and effort, and they tell me to reach out to people.  The funny thing about that is that I do make an effort to reach out, and a whole lot of the time they accept it, but then they meet the true me.  And then they don't care to know me anymore.  They turn up their noses and leave.  It is terribly painful for me.
         You know what my subconscious tells me?  It tells me that I need to wear make-up and dress better and be prettier and then everyone will accept me.  It tells me to learn how to sing and learn how to use a phone (even though I don't have one) then everyone will want to get to know you.  I bet that it is not just my subconscious that does this either, I am willing to bet that everyone's does this to them.
          Truthfully, somewhere deep down in me I know that maybe that will help, but that doesn't settle well with the real me.  I want to be me.  I want to be this crazy God-loving girl who obsesses over electric and acoustic guitars and fantasizes about being in and directing movies.  Who loves to write. 

But I can't be.

   Because of me.

     I love who I am.  I love the fact that my features are plain and that I was created by this magnificent king and that someday his prince will come sweep us all away.  I love it, but no one else seems to.  They seem to think me average.  I am beginning to blend in so well and be unnoticed that I wonder that if I just didn't appear in their lives anymore they would notice.  Hey, I could sign up for the Secret Service!

       And when I finally find someone who seems to get me they break my heart and run.  Run as far and as fast as they can.

               I imagine myself someday being this famous person and smiling thinking of how all those people now regret never getting to know me.  But that won't happen; I'm too ordinary.  

               So friendship is just hard.  I am seemingly not good enough.  

And as a perfectionist, I loathe not being good enough.

      For now I sit in the back and am ignored by my peers.  When I speak no one listens.  When I smile no one bothers to notice the way my eyes sparkle.  When I cry no one bothers to ask me why.  

To them I am just background noise.

(And this is what has been clouding my mind lately.  Utter self pity. :/  No wonder I don't have many good friends! :'( )